Muddy Stilettos


<p>If motherhood sometimes feels less like a blissful montage and more like trying to drink a lukewarm coffee while someone shouts “MUMMY” directly into your nervous system… welcome. You’re in very good company. Because while conversations around motherhood tend to swing wildly between crisis point and curated perfection, most of us are living somewhere in the middle – not clinically unwell, but definitely not breezing through the school run either.</p>



<figure class="wp-block-image size-full"><img decoding="async" loading="lazy" width="1000" height="1000" src="https://dev.muddystilettos.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2026/04/Untitled-design-2026-04-01T150318.959.jpg" alt="Psychologist Dr Tuesday" class="wp-image-136192" srcset="https://dev.muddystilettos.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2026/04/Untitled-design-2026-04-01T150318.959.jpg 1000w, https://dev.muddystilettos.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2026/04/Untitled-design-2026-04-01T150318.959-600x600.jpg 600w, https://dev.muddystilettos.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2026/04/Untitled-design-2026-04-01T150318.959-300x300.jpg 300w, https://dev.muddystilettos.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2026/04/Untitled-design-2026-04-01T150318.959-500x500.jpg 500w" sizes="(max-width: 1000px) 100vw, 1000px" /></figure>



<p>Enter psychologist – and mum-of-three – Dr Tuesday (<a href="https://www.instagram.com/iamdrtuesday/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">@iamdrtuesday</a>), whose refreshingly honest take on &#8216;messy motherhood&#8217; is striking a serious chord with women everywhere. With more than 200,000 followers on Instagram, her posts regularly spark a flood of messages from mothers across the globe saying the same thing: “I finally feel seen, and less alone.” Her message? You’re not broken, you’re human – and that messy middle so many of us inhabit might just be the most normal place of all. We sit down with her to talk rage, regulation, unrealistic expectations and why “good enough” really is good enough.</p>



<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-you-talk-about-messy-motherhood-in-a-way-that-feels-both-liberating-and-slightly-rebellious-why">You talk about &#8216;messy motherhood&#8217; in a way that feels both liberating and slightly rebellious. Why? </h3>



<p>I think conversations around motherhood tend to live in extremes. We hear about crisis points (postnatal depression, anxiety) which is so important. But then we also see this glossy, grateful, glowing version of motherhood online.</p>



<p>And most of us? We’re somewhere in between. We’re not at breaking point, but we’re not gliding through either, we’re struggling, just not quite enough to be seen or recognised. That’s where I live. It’s hard out here. We’re juggling so much emotional labour, trying to break cycles from our own childhoods, learning to name feelings we weren’t allowed to have growing up – like anger. </p>



<p>So many of us are stuck in shame – feeling like we shouldn’t say we’re struggling because we &#8216;chose this&#8217;, or that we should just feel grateful. But the truth is, those things can coexist. You can feel deeply grateful and still find it really hard.</p>



<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-let-s-talk-gentle-parenting-how-are-we-meant-to-co-regulate-when-a-croissant-s-been-launched-at-our-head">Let’s talk gentle parenting. How are we meant to co-regulate when a croissant’s been launched at our head?</h3>



<p>We’re bombarded with top tips and hacks – but for me, it really comes down to capacity – our very limited human capacity. I explain it like a pint glass. Every time something happens,  you solve a problem, tick something off your to-do list, respond to a demand – it’s like water being poured into that glass.</p>



<p>So when it comes to regulating, it’s about increasing that capacity so you actually have the bandwidth to respond in the way you want to, rather than something just lurching out of you in the moment. People get so cross with themselves for snapping or shouting, but I always ask: did you actually have the capacity to show up differently in that moment? And most of the time, the answer is no.</p>



<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-so-how-do-we-actually-increase-our-capacity">So how do we actually increase our capacity? </h3>



<figure class="wp-block-image size-full"><img decoding="async" loading="lazy" width="1000" height="1000" src="https://dev.muddystilettos.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2026/04/Untitled-design-2026-04-01T150422.277.jpg" alt="Dr Tuesday wearing ear defenders" class="wp-image-136194" srcset="https://dev.muddystilettos.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2026/04/Untitled-design-2026-04-01T150422.277.jpg 1000w, https://dev.muddystilettos.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2026/04/Untitled-design-2026-04-01T150422.277-600x600.jpg 600w, https://dev.muddystilettos.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2026/04/Untitled-design-2026-04-01T150422.277-300x300.jpg 300w, https://dev.muddystilettos.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2026/04/Untitled-design-2026-04-01T150422.277-500x500.jpg 500w" sizes="(max-width: 1000px) 100vw, 1000px" /></figure>



<p>It’s about small, realistic touch points throughout the day – not perfect routines. For me, it starts with noticing what drains me. Noise is a big one. If the TV’s on, toys are going off, children are shouting, I have zero capacity. So I manage that where I can. I’ll wear earplugs or even my son’s Spider-Man ear defenders while I’m cooking. I also limit notifications on my phone. Every ping is another demand, another drop in that cup.</p>



<p>And then it’s the basics – getting outside, moving your body, eating properly, staying hydrated. Even small social interactions matter – a quick chat at the school gate. It’s less about doing more, and more about what we actually need as human beings.</p>



<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-what-about-the-anger-the-rage-the-resentment">What about the anger – the rage, the resentment? </h3>



<p>It doesn’t mean anything about you as a mother other than the fact that you’re human. I think anger is really interesting because we turn it into a label. It becomes &#8220;I’m an angry mum” or “I’m a shouty mum”. But we don’t do that with other emotions, we don’t say “I’m a happy mum” or “I’m a loving mum”. Anger isn’t an identity, it’s a signal. It’s usually pointing you towards something deeper – a boundary that’s been crossed, a need that’s not being met, or some kind of imbalance in your life. So instead of shaming ourselves for it, we need to get curious about what it’s trying to tell us.</p>



<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-and-in-the-moment-what-does-that-look-like-with-your-kids">And in the moment, what does that look like with your kids? </h3>



<p>I try to verbalise what’s happening. I’ll say, “I feel like my voice isn’t being heard and I can feel myself getting angry.” And sometimes I still shout. That’s how I’ve learnt to express anger – it’s not something I like, but it happens. And when it does, there’s a rupture.</p>



<p>So the important part is the repair. Usually later, when things are calm, I’ll apologise – properly. No ifs or buts. I’ll say, “I felt really unheard earlier, it made me angry and I shouted. It’s okay to feel angry, but it’s not okay to shout. I’m working on it.” That’s really important to me, modelling that humanness. Our children don’t need us to never have big feelings. They need to see that feelings are survivable, that we can come back from them, and that love is still there.</p>



<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-why-does-modern-motherhood-feel-so-relentlessly-exhausting">Why does modern motherhood feel so relentlessly exhausting? </h3>



<figure class="wp-block-image size-full"><img decoding="async" loading="lazy" width="1000" height="1000" src="https://dev.muddystilettos.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2026/04/Untitled-design-2026-04-01T150645.722.jpg" alt="Dr Tuesday" class="wp-image-136198" srcset="https://dev.muddystilettos.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2026/04/Untitled-design-2026-04-01T150645.722.jpg 1000w, https://dev.muddystilettos.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2026/04/Untitled-design-2026-04-01T150645.722-600x600.jpg 600w, https://dev.muddystilettos.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2026/04/Untitled-design-2026-04-01T150645.722-300x300.jpg 300w, https://dev.muddystilettos.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2026/04/Untitled-design-2026-04-01T150645.722-500x500.jpg 500w" sizes="(max-width: 1000px) 100vw, 1000px" /></figure>



<p>We’re living in two parallel worlds. There’s real life – work, school admin, life admin, advocating for our children, juggling all the moving parts. And then there’s the digital world, where everything looks calm and perfect.</p>



<p>We’re caught in the middle, and they’re pulling us in different directions. And on top of that, a lot of the support structures just aren’t there. We’ve lost that sense of community. Systemically, so many things aren’t designed to support mothers – from postpartum care to flexible working. We’re expected to work like we don’t have children, parent like we don’t have jobs, and somehow keep pace with an idealised version of motherhood. It’s a lot.</p>



<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-and-what-about-the-gap-between-knowing-what-helps-and-actually-doing-it">And what about the gap between knowing what helps – and actually doing it? </h3>



<p>Be realistic. Be human. We know things like journalling or getting outside can help, but it doesn’t have to look perfect. I don’t sit there with a candle and a beautiful notebook, I just brain-dump whatever’s in my head onto paper after the kids have had breakfast. Even something like gratitude – it doesn’t have to be writing a list every day. It’s just noticing small moments. There’s a lot of research around “glimmers” – those tiny pockets of calm or joy. The more you notice them, the more they show up. Same with being outside — just looking up and noticing your surroundings can help shift how you feel. It’s about weaving small, human moments into your day.</p>



<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-are-we-all-slightly-terrified-of-traumatising-our-children">Are we all slightly terrified of traumatising our children? </h3>



<p>We know so much now — almost too much. It can feel like a minefield. We’re holding our own childhood experiences, trying to do things differently, while managing our children’s emotions and our own. It’s a lot — so yes, there’s definitely a low-level panic that we’re getting it wrong.</p>



<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-is-good-enough-actually-enough">Is &#8220;good enough&#8221; actually enough? </h3>



<p>Yes. More than enough. There’s research suggesting we only need to get it right around 30% of the time to be a “good enough” parent. Most of us are aiming for 100% or more. We don’t have to be perfect — just human.</p>



<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-quick-fire-questions">Quick fire questions:</h3>



<figure class="wp-block-image size-full"><img decoding="async" loading="lazy" width="1000" height="1000" src="https://dev.muddystilettos.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2026/04/Untitled-design-2026-04-01T150534.764.jpg" alt="Dr Tuesday with her children" class="wp-image-136196" srcset="https://dev.muddystilettos.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2026/04/Untitled-design-2026-04-01T150534.764.jpg 1000w, https://dev.muddystilettos.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2026/04/Untitled-design-2026-04-01T150534.764-600x600.jpg 600w, https://dev.muddystilettos.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2026/04/Untitled-design-2026-04-01T150534.764-300x300.jpg 300w, https://dev.muddystilettos.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2026/04/Untitled-design-2026-04-01T150534.764-500x500.jpg 500w" sizes="(max-width: 1000px) 100vw, 1000px" /></figure>



<p><strong>One motherhood myth you&#8217;d happily set fire to:</strong> That you should enjoy every moment. Some moments are just… not enjoyable.</p>



<p><strong>If you could whisper one sentence into the ear of every overwhelmed mum</strong>: You&#8217;re not alone.</p>



<p><strong>What does “messy” look like in your house on a Wednesday at 6pm?</strong> Chaos, honestly. Physical mess everywhere, noise, everyone needing something at once – and me in my son’s Spider-Man ear defenders just trying to get us all through to bedtime.</p>



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<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-looking-for-more-feel-good-reads">Looking for more feel-good reads? </h2>



<ul>
<li><a href="https://muddystilettos.co.uk/wellbeing/how-to-put-yourself-first-in-2026-8-practical-tips/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">How to finally put yourself first in 2026 – 8 practical tips</a></li>



<li><a href="https://muddystilettos.co.uk/wellbeing/mind/how-to-find-joy-in-everyday-life-9-simple-ways-to-boost-your-mood/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">The joy list: 9 ways to bring the sparkle back (starting today)</a></li>



<li><a href="https://muddystilettos.co.uk/wellbeing/garden-yourself-happy-jonny-hincks/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Garden yourself happy with Jonny: the firefighter bringing the feel-good to your flowerbeds</a></li>
</ul>


Shouty, shattered, still standing: welcome to messy motherhood

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