Ever wondered why comfort food really does comfort or why nagging your kids to eat their greens is a guaranteed flop? Psychologist and therapist Dr Andrea Oskis has the answers. Her new book, The Kitchen Shrink: How Food Reveals Who You Are and How You Love (out 30 Jan, 2025), dives deep into the fascinating psychology of food and relationships. From the emotional weight of shared meals to the surprising science behind desert cravings, Dr Oskis shows us that what’s on our plate speaks volumes about our hearts. Here, she shares her insights on love, loss, and why gifting hot sauce isn’t always a good idea…

You’ve said, “The food we eat reveals a lot about how we love.” Explain…

One of the most memorable moments was with a client who shared that her partner had stopped eating dinner with her. She told me, “It wasn’t when we stopped having sex—it was when he stopped eating dinner with me.” That was her lightbulb moment, and mine, too. It struck me that food rituals are often at the heart of how we connect with others. Meals aren’t just about eating; they’re about belonging, sharing, and feeling cared for. When those rituals break down, it can feel like the relationship itself is unravelling.

Why do you think sharing a meal is so closely tied to love and intimacy?

Because it’s where it all begins. Feeding is one of the earliest acts of love we experience, right from infancy. It’s about trust, care, and belonging. On a primal level, sharing food was once tied to survival – if you weren’t part of the tribe, you didn’t get fed. That sense of connection is still deeply rooted in us. Sitting down to share a meal isn’t just about eating; it’s a way of saying, “I’m here for you.”

What’s the science behind comfort food?

It’s partly biological and partly psychological. Biologically, comfort food triggers our brain’s reward system, flooding us with feel-good chemicals like dopamine. It also inhibits cortisol, our stress hormone, so we feel less frazzled. Psychologically, comfort food often takes us back to happy memories, maybe your mum’s Sunday roast or the spaghetti you always ate as a kid. It’s not just the food; it’s the emotional safety net it represents.

You mention that dessert isn’t a good idea when we’re stressed –devastating news for chocoholics everywhere! Why?

I know, it’s a tough pill to swallow! But when we’re stressed, our bodies go into fight-or-flight mode, prioritising survival over digestion. Eating during this state can actually backfire, making us feel worse. The best thing to do is wait until your stress levels come down – then enjoy your chocolate guilt-free.

Why do parents nagging kids to “eat their greens” often backfire?

Nagging turns mealtimes into a power struggle. Kids use food as one of the few areas they can exert control, so forcing the issue only makes them dig their heels in. Instead, try making food fun and engaging. Explore textures, colours, and tastes together, and let them have a say in what’s on their plate. It’s all about creating a positive, stress-free relationship with food.

What’s the story behind never gifting hot sauce to someone who’s been rejected? (Asking for a friend…)

This comes from a fascinating psychology experiment called the “hot sauce paradigm,” where participants who felt rejected were given the chance to dole out hot sauce to the person who hurt them. The amount of hot sauce they used correlated with their level of aggression. It’s a quirky yet powerful reminder of how rejection can amplify anger and hurt feelings. So maybe skip the fiery condiments next time!

You’ve woven your personal experiences of love and loss into the book. How did your relationship with food change?

After a miscarriage, I found myself craving the foods of my childhood – simple, comforting dishes like spaghetti with tomato sauce. It wasn’t about the food itself but the memories and emotions tied to it. I was longing for the connection and safety I felt as a child, and food became my emotional barometer. It’s a reminder that food is never just fuel; it’s deeply tied to our feelings.

Do you think we all need a little “food therapy”?

Absolutely. Start by asking yourself, “What am I really hungry for?” Is it food, or is it connection, comfort, or a moment to pause? Being reflective about your cravings can reveal so much about what’s really going on emotionally. Also, consider how you share food, whether you enjoy eating with others or prefer to keep it private. Those dynamics can say a lot about how you navigate relationships.

Finally, what’s your ultimate guilty pleasure food? (We promise not to psychoanalyse you!)

A 99 from the ice cream van! There’s something so joyful about hearing that jingle and rushing to grab one. It’s not just the ice cream, it’s the nostalgia, the excitement, and the feeling of being treated. It’s a small, delicious reminder that sometimes food is just about joy.

Dr Andrea Oskis’ The Kitchen Shrink: How Food Reveals Who You Are and How You Love is out Jan 30, 2025, published by Bloomsbury.